ankara cats' epidemic, 3,025 words and a wife called rapunzel

started teaching a new student last night.
he is a production engineer working in a sundried tomatoes manifacturing company; he is about 35 and looks very much like a starved and shaved version of jeremy irons.
mind you, jeremy irons is rather skinny for starters... so this guy looks kind of terminally ill.

we had a two hour one to one conversation lesson and after about three minutes i realised he was a bit of a basket case.

for the whole two hours he made a point of looking at the wall opposite to where i was sitting - meaning... i was basically speaking to the back of his head. a rare experience, so to speak!

i tried to break the ice with the usual smile and the standard opening "so... it is the first time we meet... can you tell me a little bit about yourself, what you do, what you like to do in your spare time...if there is anything you prefer to talk about..."

the answer to that went on for what felt like too long and i kept on smiling and responding with very quiet... "i see"..."right"..."i understand"..."alright"..."ok"..."of course" - while kind of feeling he was:
1. either pulling my leg
or
2. promising material for some raymond carver-type of short story.

he spoke with a slight stutter and a very narrow accent that made him sound kind of ukranian.
his hands clenched together under the table and his head turned he explained:

"i was born and brought up in izmir. i am a food engineer, my job is very stressful and about quality control. you might think it is interesting but it is not. i like english language. in english i know 3,025 words and i know many idioms. i want you to teach me idioms. i can memorise idioms...-easy for me. i live with my wife. she is a food engineer too. but most importantly i live with my kitty cat, Ada. ada is deaf. she is deaf because she is from ankara. all cats from ankara are deaf. it is a genetic disorder. i suffer from a disorder too. a chemical disorder. that's why i calculate all the time. i need numbers. i make calculations all the time... i cannot live without it... i calculate about the lift, about the birds flying, about the cars passing, about my steps, about my breathing, about the cigarettes i smoke, about my english. i am taking many medications for this. plus...i have obsessive compulsive disorder too.
that's me"

after such a promising start - the first remark i made seem to disappoint him.
"you know, david beckham suffers from o.c.d. too - i read it in elle magazine"

after that - i kind of got some points back in taking an interest in ada...
"i was wondering if really all (all) cats from ankara are, as you were saying - 100% deaf and in 100% of all cases"
to which he responded enthusiastically - staring at his shoes instead of the wall.

when i asked "how did you meet your wife?"
he shot back - "it happened like in the rapunzel fairytale. she was the blonde lady locked in the tower by her father. the prince went to save her by climbing the tower holding onto her hair".
to which - honestly... - this time not even elle magazine could save me.

we still had 15 minutes to go and i made the mistake to say - "any question? any problem so far?" -
he looked at me for the first time in two hours and with a bit of an evil (but very determined) smile he showed me the cover of his blue copybook.
"i cannot go on. i have closed my notepad already. the class MUST finish"...

k story and u story (and some dessert too please)

tonight i came home after class thinking that, sure, on one hand i may be a rather improvised teacher - but, on the other, i do care for my students very much.

to the point that quite often - while listening to them or reading their essays... i cannot help but truly wishing them a happy, full life ahead.

tonight i taught two of my best students - U. and K.; they are two young army officers. teaching them has made me realise the strict and high standards the army has here. their manners, their poise and their english too are flawless. they are outspoken, they know contemporary history backwards, they are up to date with any current affairs event, they want to be posted abroad with nato. they receive training in how to dismantle handgranades and are sent off for days to march up and down in the snow or in some remote village in the east - yet at the same time they are articulate, well read and proper.

they are also disarmingly honest about their private life and hopes for the future.

these are some parts of the two essays they wrote tonight.

(k. - 24)

"we just got back from isparta. we stayed their with forty friends from our unit for few weeks. i am so happy to be back in izmir. all we did in isparta was walking in the mountains. the good thing was that we did a lot of camping, we learnt ho to set a fire and we slept under the trees. the tents we used were stretched from one tree to the other, like a nylon sheet but it was not cold because the sleeping bags kept us warm. every morning, on the nylon cover we would find frost. we ate mainly potatoes and sausages or ready made meals the army gives us. we got sick often, all of us. but it was ok. sometimes however i hope to go back to when i was 14. my family decided for me to attend the academy in another city, far away. i was only 14 and i could not say no. i was so scared when i started high school. all of my friends went to civilian high schools. i wanted to be a doctor, that was my dream even when i was a child. when i left my family i cried so much, but then i got used to it, i had to. i am a soldier now and that will not change. if i could choose a career now... i would say doctor, of course. but also primary school teacher. i love teaching children when they are six or seven, because their mind is shaping and it is sometimes amazing to listen to the things they can say. my primary school class had 75 pupils. i was lucky because my mother taught me how to read and write before. otherwise i would have never learnt anything with so many classmates. our class was very noisy. one day our teacher told me i was good at reading and one boy in the class stood up and came to my desk to spit on my face. i was shocked and complaint to the teacher. the teacher did not say anything and looked at me as if he wanted to say ...i do not have any time for your problems"

(u. - 26)

"i am happy to be back. i missed izmir and we only walked and walked and walked for two months. i am getting married in july, but i am not thinking about it. i think i am not very aware. we have been together for six years and this is what she wants and what our parents want. i would prefer to get married in two years, but of course i cannot say it. but for sure i want to wait another five years before having children. i want to pass the selection to enter nato corps and go abroad. it does not matter where - but i want to learn about other cultures and also about other military cultures. i know one of the topic for the essay is the future. of course you know i do not like our government. but apart from our prime minister, the only thing i would change about the country is our borders. i would add a part of bulgaria, a part of greece and the southern border of turkey should be different. england decided on that and they did not choose right. in the south we have many mountains and there is a big problem with terrorists hiding there. all the mountains should be under turkey, so there would not be a problem with the kurds...

p.s. i am sorry if i ask. but we were so happy when you made tiramisu for us for christmas. it was delicious. we wonder if you can maybe make it again before the end of our course. thank you".

must be russian (and in 6 years time)

this week - my sunday class received the following topic for discussion.

"try to imagine your life in 5, 10 and 20 years' time".

in the second half of the class i gave them an assignment on "your ideal partner's qualities".

i always enjoy listening to them - they are a lovely group. enthusiastic, genuine, chirpy and...young, ...very young.

this time their answers came as a peculiar avalanche of hints and telling signs of the way new generations here feel, dream and think.

85% of what they said sounded totally out of tune with any of the life-as-we-know-it in the "west" - and came out as a bizarre concoction of sexism, naivety, integrity, disarming honesty, hope, great expectations and clueless feelings.

by age 33 they all imagined themselves as married and with children. for some peculiar statistical fixation - they coud not bear the idea of getting married after 26 and having children after 35 - which they firmly described as "abnormal" and "dangerous";

they all stated they wanted to make money - "to enjoy life", but also "because only then people respect you";

in 5 to 10 years time they all hope to see the end of the current (radical) government;

they would all go abroad - "even to a boring place like germany or belgium... it does not matter - as long as the salary is good";

in 20 years time - a third of them said smiling they are probably going to be dead;

all of the students explained they do not expect turkey to change - "not in 5, 10, 20, or even 50 years' time" they concluded "because here people do not think".

as to the ideal partner / ideal relationship:

all of them agreed in saying that "only famous people"

1. live together before marriage:

2. have gay relationships;

and that "only famous women with money" date younger men - something they (common / "normaaaaal people") consider awkward and funny.

"i want my future husband to be better than me. he has to know more. he has to be stronger. because only if he is better than me i can admire him" one girl explained;

all of them were very happy to say they would surely marry a foreigner, especially if:

"he is italian" the girls said.
and
"she is russian" the boys responded.

yet... best not to date a partner from a different race.

"please... no indian, no black, no chinese. and no english man" somebody stated.

apart from looking like jude law and johnny depp or jessica alba and adriana lima - they concluded the ideal partner should be:

trusting, understanding, in touch with his/her emotions and sure of what he or she wants.

"he should love me more than i love him" was an interesting take and

"he should not be too hairy" had the whole class in stitches.

i was a bit gutted nobody spoke about sense of humour; happiness or a tad of much needed wackiness.

then a student sitting at the back of the class mentioned he would really need somebody who understand his passions in life.
his line of thinking sounded very promising and i encouraged him to explain better his opinion.

he went all red and shy and mumbled -

"i love videogames sooo much... but i have no chance of finding my ideal woman.
because all girls who love videogames... are fat... with glasses... bad clothes... errr...and...yes... and a looot of acne too..."

bits

"Spring Moon"

Moon in a town sky,
Half shut, dark one way from the middle,
Above a creek with spring peepers.

Homeward all alone, after joy,
Hands in pockets, making a thoughtful way
Over the bridge, down the street.

No voices, no women,
Only peepers,
And a solemn unsteadiness of all things.

--George Johnston

"Language as Self-Defense"

Downsizing, his boss calls firing my friend.
Restructuring. She wants him to think
it's not a problem; it's an opportunity.

In the same vein, doctors call agony discomfort;
Mom called death passing away.
The women my friend tries to date

say they're busy the same way his mother
said husky when the world saw fat.
After rain, my desert tortoises drag

from their burrow: mud-caked, living rocks
amid the dandelions and devil grass
I call my lawn. An hour of sun,

and the male will be chasing the female
around the yard. He'll bite her feet,
and ram her shell to show who's boss;

then they'll make love, my neighbor calls it
when she protests the male's loud huffing,
the primal scene "my kids might see!"

"It's so easy for turtles," my friend says,
means, "Nothing's easy for me."
He's right. He's not even my friend,

actually --just a guy who won't let me
forget the discomforts of junior high.
Today he talks of checking out.

And though I tell him, Hang in there.
Getting canned could be a blessing in disguise,
I want to say, "You're right. Death

would be good for you." when I'm with him,
my well-paid job, pretty wife, and bright
prospects shake like an image in water

slapped by wind. I invent places
I've got to go, things I've got to do,
and tell him, It'll all work out, I promise you.

---Charles Harper Webb



"Frogs"

The storm broke, and it rained,
And water rose in the pool,
And frogs hopped into the gutter,

With their skins of yellow and green,
And just their eyes shining above the surface
Of the warm solution of slime.

At night, when fireflies trace
Light-lines between the trees and flowers
Exhaling perfume,

the frogs speak to each other
In rhythm. the sound is monstrous,
But their voices are filled with satisfaction.

In the city I pine for the country;
In the country I long for conversation --
Our happy croaking.

--Louis Simpson

"Grace"

Sabbath breaks with the swish and plop
of leaping salmon, pressing against the slush
of river bend, bloated with seed and egg.

Elated by her crazy muscle and fin
she tries to fly across the bow, but plats
on the slippery deck among the tackle, rope and rubber.

Scaled, the salmon's belly is soft,
the knife parts the blue black skin
spilling viscera -- this riot of blood animated

like the bubbles of air breeding in the wake
of the cutting propellers plow through the sea
We salt the tender flesh in the Bay

and bake her dripping lemon and honey
on an abondoned rock beach. and on this blue
ecumenical morning we break red flesh

with bread on our scaled knees, eyes glazed
with gratitude. The sun settles above
the upturned cone of pine trees; the hill

for a moment is black, and then light
washes its slopes with tender green.
For what we are about to receive . . .

Amen.

--Kwame Dawes

bowie

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be Heroes, just for one day

And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that

Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time,
just for one day
We can be Heroes, for ever and ever
What d'you say?

I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing,
nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, for ever and ever
Oh we can be Heroes,
just for one day

I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing will drive them away
We can be Heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day

I, I can remember (I remember)
Standing, by the wall (by the wall)
And the guns shot above our heads
(over our heads)
And we kissed,
as though nothing could fall
(nothing could fall)
And the shame was on the other side
Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever
Then we could be Heroes,
just for one day

We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
We can be Heroes
Just for one day
We can be Heroes

We're nothing, and nothing will help us
Maybe we're lying,
then you better not stay
But we could be safer,
just for one day

Oh-oh-oh-ohh, oh-oh-oh-ohh,
just for one day

ape shall never kill ape

preface 1)

the school i work with has an idiosyncratic / zero tolerance "no jeans" policy.

when they hired me they informed me that "you can wear jeans only on sunday...the other days please wear a skirt" - (which would sound a bit awkward / sexist / odd / you name it... pretty much anywhere else on the planet, wouldn't it?...)

made once the major mistake of turning up in jeans (under a dress, with heels) for a thursday evening class and that was considered a major act of reactionary defiance.

oddly - i later noticed that ALL teachers show up on sunday morning wearing jeans and converse shoes...

preface 2)

on tuesday morning i have a class with a group of ladies in their late 40s...

they are indeed the ultimate local equivalent of the type of women you see in "desperate housewives".

50% suburbia - 50% prone to social smugness.

which usually implies a tendency to overdisplays of louis vuitton bags; massive tom ford specs and the amount of expensive bling that could easily cover and light up the humongous christmas tree in times square.

preface 3)

i received a phone call yesterday telling me that today's class with the aforementioned bling ladies was cancelled and postponed to thursday.

fair enough - i thought... i will have more time to go outdoor for a good jog.

so, today (breezy, sunny, perfect weather)...off i went- quite happily dressed down in my tracksuit pants, gym shoes and worn out "bathing ape" t-shirt... a t-shirt with a silly japanese logo with three "baby milo" monkeys and the slogan APE SHALL NEVER KILL APE on it.

very grown up.

at 11.05 am, already in sweats and with my ipod blasting pet shop boys' "flamboyant" - i heard my mobile phone ringing and picked up.

it was the school secretary - agitated, screaming at the top of her lungs like somebody trying to escape a rapist, a deadly fire or hannibal lecter.

"where are youuuuuuuu??... your students heeeeeeeeeere?!!!!!?..."

taken aback to say the least i kind of mumbled "i thought ...the class was ...cancelled?". but i was told that the class was definitely on - that i was late AND expected to show up in 5 minutes.

i dashed to school, then picked up my register, rushed up the stairs and made my glorious entrance in what (like every tuesday) looked like a louis vuitton showroom.

"holy crap" i kind of thought to myself "i must look like an absolute pillock".

the faces receiving me kind of confirmed my suspicion - they seemed amused to say the least.

i was in sweats, looking flustered - with baby milo saying hello from my chest and the breathing ease of somebody trying to survive a violent asthma attack.

"you may kind of gather i was in the midst of doing something else" was my opening line - which put the bling crowd in an even better mood and had them laughing and elbowing each other for a couple of minutes.

then the conversation went on - with me trying to look as casual and relaxed as possible -

so, how is your pilates going?

sure, your acupuncturist sounds terrific

any plans for the summer? a cruise to portugal - wow...

organic shops round here? i wouldn't know, i am afraid

while instead deep down i kept on focusing on the annoying feeling my knickers were glued with sweats to my bottom.

not very suburban.

and - i am sure - not standing a chance to become any tom ford material any time soon.

comically, on the way out, as i was dropping my attendance papers at the office i jokingly said to the secretaries staring at my outfit "well, at least i am not wearing jeans, right??".

the sense of humour of which went rather unnoticed - with one of them stating:

"...no...but your hair...

your hair very veeeeeery nice today".

every student says i love you

it' s sunday again -

i have overdosed on caffeine again -

but today was "present day".

my intermediate class bought me a bracelet to protect me against the evil eye;

and this morning one of my students passed me a bag during one of our breaks - inside there was a book in a red wrapper.
i could not help but smile while reading the dedication:

"remember me while you are reading... your student, kadir (i hope my gramar is ok)"

the book is "the forty rules of love" by elif shafak.

"too many presents! you spoil me" i jokingly chided all of them - to which they looked at me with deadly serious faces and explained

"it is because we love you...we LOVE you veEEEry much" -

and i somehow could not get round explaining that, should they ever (eventually) end up going to england or the u.s. they are to kind of tame their exuberant use of the sentence "i love you". they are a tad too keen on employing it...
(quite often scaring the crap out of me, i must add...)

then after lunch i had only one student attending my conversation hour and we kind of forgot about grammar and vocabulary tips and spoke about music - comparing notes on "never win" by fischerspooner (a personal absolute favourite) + leonard cohen, morcheeba, chopin's nocturnes, air, trip hop, trance and electronic music and his passion for pink martini songs.

on his way out he said "teacher i am sooooooooo sorry my english is not very good.........
............but i am veeeeeery happy you like fischerspooner's music!".